Key West Florida Weekly

LONG LIVE THE CONCH REPUBLIC





 

 

THE MICRO-NATION THAT SECEDED where others failed will continue to celebrate its 35th annual Conch

Republic Independence Celebration this week, with a schedule of festivities designed to memorialize the tongue-in-cheek declaration of war and subsequent secession by Key West from the United States in 1982.

If you’re new to the story, the short version is this: Back in the early 1980s the U.S. Border Patrol set up a roadblock on U.S. 1, the only highway connecting the Florida

Keys to the mainland, in front of the Last Chance Saloon in Florida City. Although cars leaving the Keys weren’t technically crossing any international border, they were nevertheless subjected to a search by U.S. border agents, who required passengers to provide proof of citizenship before they were allowed to pass — ostensibly to crack down on illegal immigration and narcotics smuggling. A 19-mile traffic jam immediately formed.

The Key West City Council became concerned that the island’s tourism-based economy would suffer irreparable damage. Along with then-mayor Dennis Wardlow, the group filed a series of complaints and petitions to remove the roadblock. Eventually, the group headed to court in Miami to request an official injunction. When their attempt failed, Mr. Wardlow ran out of patience. Standing on the front steps of Miami’s district court, Mr. Wardlow declared the island’s intent to secede from the U.S. Since the federal government essentially established the equivalent of a border station and insisted on treating Key West as a foreign country, Mr. Wardlow and others reasoned the island might as well go ahead and make things official. Swapping his mayoral title for prime minister, Mr. Wardlow and his comrades quickly assembled a new government, which included designations for official Conch Republic naval and air force officers and a shiny new mollusk-marked flag.

On April 23, Mr. Wardlow raised his minuscule country’s new flag over Key West’s city hall and declared war on the U.S. by symbolically breaking a loaf of stale Cuban bread over the head of a costumed naval officer. Federal agents, sent down to monitor the situation, found themselves accosted by a crowd wielding conch fritters and crusty bread, while out at Key West harbor the schooner Western Union lobbed water balloons at the U.S. Coast Guard Cutter Diligence, which fought back with fire hoses. After 60 seconds, Mr. Wardlow announced the Conch Republic’s surrender and requested $1 billion in foreign aid as reparation for the lengthy federal siege. Not long after, the road -block was quietly removed, and Key West’s tourism economy got the added bonus of a newly monetized secession story, selling Conch Republic flags and passports to tourists who sympathized with the plight of the Conchs — and, continuing this week, hosting a series of wonderfully bizarre parties, races, faux naval battles and concerts as a part of the Conch Republic Independence Celebration.

On Thursday, April 27, those who feel that a 5K sounds like two miles too long will want to lace up for the Duval Street Mile, a 7 p.m. fun run spanning the length of Key West’s most infamous street. Runners should make sure to save enough energy to stroll in The World’s Longest Parade (so-called because it runs shore to shore, from the Atlantic Ocean down Duval Street to the Gulf of Mexico), which kicks off at 8 p.m., at which point a ragtag group of impromptu floats, drunken pirates, decorated bicycles, marching drum lines, painted Conch cars and Zumba-loving octogenarians will sashay across town Mardi Gras-style, winding up at the Schooner Wharf Bar for a 9 p.m. after party. Post-parade festivities at Schooner Wharf include an awards ceremony for parade costume categories such as “Best Conchcept,” with prizes like gift certificates for snorkel trips and sunset sails as well as dancing to the dance-driven stylings of the theatrical Sushi Roll Band.

On Friday morning, eat light if you feel like competing in the 1 p.m. Conch Republic Conch Fritter Eating Contest, sponsored by Parrot Key Hotel & Resort, then gear up for the main event: The Great Battle. Starting at 6 p.m., an official shore-side viewing party will kick off at Mallory Square. The battle itself begins at 7 sharp, at which point U.S. Coast Guard representatives — with what should be acknowledged as an extremely generous amount of good humor — will weather the fierce naval assault of the Conch Republic’s armed forces. Any and all able bodies are instructed to don their best battle fatigues (foul weather gear) and load up on ammunition (Cuban bread) as they protect the Conch Republic against the Coast Guard’s advancing troops in Key West Harbor.

Back at Schooner Wharf Bar, the surrender ceremony and victory party will host local Conch legends like Supreme Commander Armed Forces Conch Republic Admiral Finbar Gittelman of the flagship schooner, WOLF, who along with dignitaries of the republic will accept surrender from local representatives of the U.S. Coast Guard. Then it’s back to dancing and drinking until dawn.

A cat nap is certainly in order for those intending on browsing the stalls on Duval Street at Saturday’s Craft Show & Food Festival, beginning at 10 a.m.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Key West festival without a bar crawl, with this year’s version sponsored by Shots & Giggles bar. Beginning at noon, crawl your way down Duval in a display of Conch Republic patriotism — just make sure you’re down by Bourbon Street Pub by 2 p.m. for the Red Ribbon Bed Races, a ludicrous display with a tag line claiming the race is “The most fun you can have with your clothes on.” Participants race decorated beds on wheels down Duval Street for the benefit of local nonprofit AIDS Help, and for trophies and bragging rights from one of the world’s strangest street races.

You might be tempted to crawl into one of the post-race beds for a nap, but make sure you’ve got your pantaloons and faux parrots lined up before you hit the hay — the Pirates Ball & Costume Competition begins promptly at 7 p.m. at Schooner Wharf Bar. Prizes will be awarded across categories including “Best Wench”, “Best Bustier” and “Cutthroat Surprise” along with a live swashbuckling swordplay performance from Key West’s own Conch Republic privateers. Dubbed one of the best bars in the world by National Geographic, Schooner Wharf Bar has long been favored as a hangout for those salty types (or landlubbers who want to pretend for the evening) looking to sling back some grog amongst fellow buccaneer enthusiasts and reminisce on the old days when

Key West was the richest town in the country thanks to a burgeoning shipwrecking industry.

If you’ve made it to Sunday, April 30, you might just be tough enough to serve in one of the Conch Republic’s official government roles.

Feel it out by attending an

11 a.m. Conch Republic Diplomats Brunch at the Hog’s Breath Saloon. Get a firsthand glimpse of what it looks like to serve one’s micro-nation with honor. Then it’s back to Conch Republic Independence Celebration headquarters at Schooner Wharf Bar for the Wrecker’s Cup Race Series finale, as the last in the series of one-way races gets underway. Captains and their crew race to the reef to claim “booty” in a re-enactment of Key West’s historical wrecking industry, after which competitors will assemble for an awards party and ceremony where winners will be gifted with Pussers Rum, bar tabs, race swag and trophies. You can watch the race from shore, or hop aboard one of the many charter boats heading out into the harbor for an up-close look. Then it’s dancing to the Doerfels, a hard-rocking band of talented brothers whose signature take on bluegrass and classic rock have made them local legends.

Though you need to have been born here to call yourself a Conch (or have lived here seven years for “Conch” status) it goes without saying that participation in the Conch Republic Independence Celebration marks one as a comrade-in-arms. Many who call Key West home made the choice to transition from tourist to local due to our island’s reputation as a masquerade-loving Mecca for the weird and wonderful. We are, in many ways, an island of misfit toys, a collection of deeply opinionated, passionate strangers-turned-family. We are the war orphans of a 60-second siege, who jump at the opportunity to squeeze into a bustier and throw stale bread at people, and who remain patiently waiting for that billion dollars of relief money. However unlikely, we’re not giving up just yet. ¦


Celebrating The Conch Republic’s surrender to the U.S. Coast Guard.

Celebrating The Conch Republic’s surrender to the U.S. Coast Guard.

Preparing for the annual battle with the U.S. Coast Guard.

Preparing for the annual battle with the U.S. Coast Guard.

Participants in the annual Pirate’s Ball.

Participants in the annual Pirate’s Ball.

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