2017-07-13 / Top News


The 200 block according to Joanne

Joanne Bachman takes advantage of a seemingly insurmountable nightly chaos with grace, humor and a grain of salt.

She’s always professional and efficient, moving with a speed rarely seen behind the bar anymore. She “womans” the popular Tree Bar at the front of the Rick’s and Durty Harry’s Entertainment Complex three nights a week from 7 p.m. till 4 a.m.

Tree Bar is one of the only bars along the busy 200 block of Duval Street to actually stay open most nights to the legal closing time, witnessing the insanity that is Key West, while entertaining a slew of tourists and locals who habitually surround her bar.

In the meantime, bouncers are hauling brawlers out to the street, people are walking around nearly naked, young couples are screaming at one another and hotrods are ripping up and down Duval Street, all of this going on within feet of where she is working.

“My work is my entertainment. I talk to people. I watch people,” Ms. Bachman says.

What else does she do? She collects hilarious quotes from her guests to post online for the rest of us to read.

You’d think that there would be a limit to the amount of absurdity, obscenity and comedy she listens to every night, but after eight years, the quality has not diminished.

There are literally thousands of these, but here is a small sampling of what she has collected within the last week, and keep in mind, these are all real:

¦ When you drop me off on my porch, make sure you spray me with bug spray.

¦ The crotch has lost structural integrity.

¦ We were talking about the time we put lines on the Roomba and tried to chase it around.

¦ There are two cornrows places now! Turf war!!

¦ One Bud Light, no drama.

¦ No matter how cute rompers are, you know they’ve been on the bathroom floor at Ricks.

¦ I would like to keep Hepatitis C out of me.

¦ You can order tapeworms off of Amazon.

¦ Why are you going to wear a dog and get mad when people talk to you?

¦ I think your knee humped my penis.

¦ He got the country, but you got Key West.

¦ Well, once I’m married it will be different. But tonight, the three of us can go back to my place.

¦ That’s the first time a bartender has ever recommended I get a rim job.

¦ I have to go to the bathroom to wake up.

¦ My Siri won’t understand you because you don’t have an Australian accent.

¦ What’s my plan for the night? I plan on drinking until I feel like stopping.

¦ I’m trying to keep him out of my girlfriend’s behind.

¦ They were making out, and it was awkward. So, we just started making out to pass the time.

¦ It’s one, two, three, shoot! Where are you from? Canada?

¦ I’m 30. That’s the first time I’ve said that out loud.

¦ I’m asking your name because I have astigmatism.

¦ I’ve come twice since I’ve been here. I love being berated by older women.

¦ From the look on your face I can see there is a language barrier.

¦ I just lost my virgin.

¦ Why are you just standing there like a gummy bear?

¦ You could save yourself 20 minutes by switching to Irish goodbyes.

¦ It sounded like they were having sex on roller skates.

¦ My nose is big but I’m not telling lies.

¦ Have you seen her hands? She could give a happy ending to a rhinoceros.

¦ You couldn’t get a cigarette wrapper between my butt cheeks.

Maybe because I hang at bars (and have been quoted there myself) I could read a book of these nonstop.

If you see less than 200 quotes listed, they’ve been edited out by my editor due to space restrictions.

Besides her “Barfly Quotes,” Ms. Bachman is also known for her laugh, an explosive, “HA!” you can hear as far away as the Hemingway House.

For those who love and admire her, it is an endearing quality you never get sick of hearing.

Ms. Bachman was born outside of Philly, one of five brothers and sisters, and raised in Havertown, where she went to high school until moving to south Jersey.

She attended some community college, and moved down here to Key West with her (ex)husband for a year, and although the marriage didn’t last, “I decided that I loved it here,” she said.

“I worked for the Pirate Soul Museum for a year,” she said, (which has since moved to St. Augustine), and for two years at Bagatelle, “and I’ve been here at Rick’s now for eight years.”

When she’s not working, she’s somewhat of a self-proclaimed hermit, content to stay at home and read with her two Yorkies, Gizmo and Raleigh.

What she likes most about living and working in Key West is, “the weather, the water, and the people.”

Stop by Tree Bar on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from 7 p.m. till close and say hi to JoJo. ¦

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